Love and Grace: A Reflection on Lessons from 36 Years of Marriage
"The greatest marriages are built on teamwork. A mutual respect, a healthy dose of admiration, and a never-ending portion of love and grace." — Fawn Weaver
I awakened this morning with immense gratitude in Ocho Rios, Jamaica! It's hard to believe that today marks our 36th wedding anniversary! I can only speak for myself, but we've undoubtedly experienced more highs than lows. For the most part, the lows were more personal for me. The lows were more about my growth as a woman, mother, wife, daughter, and, more recently, an entrepreneur. If this post will help anyone, I know I need to be honest and transparent.
On June 4, 1988, we walked down the aisle one hour later than scheduled. Ironically, as we celebrated a new life together a few hours earlier and at the same church, a former classmate and friend was burying her husband. Her husband's homegoing service lasted longer than planned.
When the limo picked up me and my bridesmaids from my home, it started to rain. Before getting picked up, I received horrifying calls that, as the florist and guests awaited outside the church, pallbearers carried the coffin outside of the church.
Some elders believed both occurrences (funeral & rain) meant bad luck for two young, freshly-in-loved twenty-something-year-olds.
According to the Centers for Disease Control's (CDC) Monthly Vital Statistics Report, 1,167,000 divorces occurred in the US the year we married. That number was a slight increase over the year before, in 1987.
I am not a gambler, but in retrospect, I would be cashing in if I could have placed a wager on meeting this milestone.
The truth is that while we shared a deep love and commitment to each other, we did not fully understand the deep commitment necessary to sustain a long and healthy marriage.
Thirty-six years married, plus five years of friendship, culminating to a partnership of 41 years! I feel like I haven’t lived long enough to be in a 41-year-long relationship. However, our relationship started young, at ages 17 and 19,
Nearly every anniversary, I try to build on my marital tutelage. I am not an expert, and I continue to learn, but if sharing a few gems helps another couple, then it's worth the time.
The first 28 lessons have been slightly edited but are from a 28th-anniversary blog post. I've added a few more lessons to my original list.
Lessons I learned from 36 years of marriage:
Speaking an unfiltered opinion without considering your spouse's feelings is inconsiderate. Think before speaking because you cannot take your words back. Just because you have thoughts doesn't mean you should say them. There is a difference between being honest and being mean.
Regardless of how "you prefer" your partner to do things, they are entitled to do things their way. Your way isn't the right way.
You can only change and improve yourself, and that's what you should work on. Stop focusing on what your partner needs to change and bring a better version of yourself to the marriage.
When you marry your spouse, you also marry your in-laws.
Just because you create babies together doesn't mean you will share beliefs on how to raise them. Your ideas on child rearing will differ. You must be willing to compromise.
Your spouse will do things behind your back, and you will do things behind their back.
If you allow it, raising children can take the fun, sex, and intimacy out of marriage. Keep it exciting and fun.
One of you will always appreciate romance more than the other. One person should always have their finger on the pulse of the relationship.
Saying, "I told you so," is pointless. Both of you know what was sad.
Somebody ought to know how to cook a decent meal or your finances will take a hit from dining out regularly. Hire a financial planner at the start of the marriage.
You will like and dislike some of your spouse's friends. Your opinion won't change their relationship with their friends.
Married family and friends will divorce. Try to stay neutral. Your harsh words may return and bite you in the butt. Avoid getting into the middle of their mess.
Don't compare your marriage to another marriage. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors, and you cannot predict the future (of yours).
Solid marriages stem from solid friendships. Maintain a friendship with your spouse.
Establish and maintain your identity and your independence.
Educate yourself, even if you wish to be a stay-at-home. Read books, take classes, develop new skills, and stay relevant.
Expect the unexpected.
Plan for the future, but live every day in the present.
I know why older couples like my parents slept in separate beds. Thankfully, we haven't gotten to that point.
I learned that the affirmation, "A woman's work is never done," is true.
Husbands and wives should have separate clothing closets and bathroom sinks.
Spirituality is essential to a marriage.
Spouses who work hard as a team can accomplish amazing feats and overcome incredible obstacles.
Spouses who hang out together are genuinely happier couples.
Your spouse is not a mind reader. Don't assume that your spouse knows what you want. Tell your spouse what you want and be open to their wants.
If you have an open mind and an open heart, there are still things to learn from your spouse.
Family vacations are essential to a marriage, and so are taking vacations without your children.
Be careful about who you allow into our home. Not everyone has your relationship's best interest at heart.
Your values may change, as will those of your spouse. Some of your values may no longer align, and you'll have to work through this.
Your spouse may one day unexpectedly hurt you. You'll have to decide what forgiveness looks like for you.
If you have children, eventually, they will become adults. The life you've established after they are adults will look and feel very different. The change can have a profound effect on your marriage.
You may have to decide on caring for an aging parent. My mother lived with us for 20 years. I could write a book on this one.
You cannot choose or make demands about your children's career path, partners, or friends. Respect and love them unconditionally.
Finances. Keep a joint account. Then, each should have their own. It simplifies life.
Your spouse may experience surprising health conditions that alter both your lifestyles. Tell the doctors everything, even if they don't want you to. Research is needed to understand their condition fully and support them. Tell the
Build a small tribe (only a few family/friends) that fully supports you by telling you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.
When dating, take your time to get to know your partner. Indulge in discussions about religion, political views, values, child-rearing, education, and values. Rushing into marriage will only increase your chances of divorce.
Even at 36 years, we must continue to work at marriage. We continue to share some core values, while some others now differ. Only through mindfulness will you notice the differences. The dissimilarities in your values may cause friction or bring you closer. Only you will know, but it's vital to talk about your feelings with your spouse candidly. Personal growth often prompts behavior change. Sharing your individual goals with your spouse can help you make the change.
What keeps us going are God, prayer, faith, gratitude, commitment, lots of laughter, travel, our children, family, and a few close friends.