4 Reasons To Set Personal Boundaries
“No is a complete sentence.” - Ann Lamont
Much talk surrounds the idea of setting boundaries. Boundaries cover a broad spectrum of life and include personal and professional environments that impact your relationships with others.
I want to focus on the lack of two types of boundaries that will stall your well-being and your wellness goals.
But first, let’s define boundaries. Boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits (positivepsychology.com)
Intellectual Boundaries (IB) are your thoughts and ideas. I emphasize you because healthy IBs include others respecting your views and opinions. It is also an awareness of appropriate discussion (should we talk about religion, veganism, politics, or something else?). These boundaries are violated when someone dismisses or belittles another person’s thoughts or ideas.
Let that sink in! I don’t know about you, but I can recall being laughed at because of my personal beliefs related to my lifestyle. During these critical moments when you are challenged, you need to be confident and have a reply in your wellness toolbox.
Sample Scenario:
You’re out with the family to celebrate a family member’s milestone birthday. The setting is one of your favorite restaurants known for its BBQ brisket and other popular sides. On a recent visit to your doctor, they talked to you about your blood pressure, cholesterol, and weight gain. After the visit, you decide it’s time to make some lifestyle changes and will slowly modify your eating habits. Back at the restaurant, when the waitress approaches you, you ask to substitute the mashed potatoes for broccoli and ask about healthier alternatives to the BBQ. A family member notices the exchange and comments that you’ve been eating this way all your life; why stop now because you gotta die from something? Others chuckle and add further negative comments. You’re embarrassed, frustrated, and annoyed. Instead of giving in and ordering your usual, you shift the perspective to set new boundaries.
You can choose to ignore their comments. You could also say, “I have decided to take my health seriously, and I am changing how and what I eat. You all are my family and my loved ones; if I am going to dine with you in the future, I need your support on my new journey.” No additional comments are necessary on your part. Order your meal and enjoy it.
2. Time Boundaries (TB) are how you use your time. To maintain healthy time boundaries, you must set aside enough time for each facet of your life, such as work, relationships, wellness, fitness, and hobbies. Time boundaries are violated when someone demands too much of your time.
Sample Scenario:
After work each day, you plan to take a daily walk in your community. You drive straight home because it gets dark at a particular time. Several days a week, your spouse or child(ren) calls you and asks you to pick up items from the grocery store. You don’t have a gym membership or a treadmill, so you need to get home. To respond to their requests and politely decline, say, “No, I cannot.” You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Do not feel guilty for setting time boundaries and making yourself a priority. Eventually, they will learn to respect your boundaries.
Is saying no hard for you? Do you know why it’s hard for you to say no? Do any of the reasons below resonate with you?
You don’t know how to set healthy boundaries.
The fear of rejection and, ultimately, abandonment.
Fear of confrontation.
Guilt.
Fear of your safety.*
Consider reasons to set healthy boundaries.
To practice self-care and self-respect.
To communicate your needs in a relationship.
To create time and space for positive interactions
To set limits in a relationship in a way that is healthy.
Blurred boundaries can lead to the deterioration of your well-being. Before you say yes to something that you don’t want to, remember,
“When you say yes to something, you are also saying no yourself.” - Unknown
The lack of healthy boundaries can lead to anger, resentment, and hostility. When you speak up, you avoid suppressing emotions and create opportunities to introduce new boundaries.
When you set healthy boundaries, keep the focus on yourself. You are not responsible for other people’s reactions. A long narrative isn’t necessary. Decide your focus and say it with as few words as possible. Like any new habit, setting your boundaries will take time and consistency. What is important is that you are mindful and pay attention to your emotions, which will help you to decide what you need to say.
Everyone may not respect your healthy boundaries, so be prepared for pushback. You may need to recategorize relationships. If you don’t know how to do this, I highly recommend you read Dr. Dharius Daniels’s Relational Intelligence . His book is a powerful and excellent resource for learning effective relationship management.
A wellness journey is mindfully living to optimize your well-being. No two journeys are the same, so embrace the challenges and the success; each has value that makes you perfectly YOU.
Be well! Schedule your complimentary discovery call today.
*National Domestic Violence Hotline -800-799-7233
Sources: positivepsycholog.com; TherapistAid.com